rareslash | Fic: Dream Police, Northern Exposure, Joel/Chris Rated R

Title: Dream Police
Author:

hyperfocused
Fandom: Northern Exposure
Pairing: Joel Fleischman/Chris Stevens
Rating: R
Wordcount: 811
Warnings: kind of cracky, but so was the show
Summary: Joel's subconscious has something to tell him
Disclaimer: not my quirky show
A/N: Written for

trascendenza for

slashfest. Sorry this isn't as porny as I would like, but deadlines, eep! Perhaps a sequel, later

"I could read you some Whtiman," Chris said, from his position sprawled out on Joel's bed. He was all arms and legs, lean lines and Joel had never thought of him like this before, he was almost sure.

"Have you ever thought about your Kinsey number" Chris went on, still naked, though he was partly covered by a sheet the way men were on soap operas. Joel knew this because half the guys in his dorm had been addicted to General Hospital, even if most of them wouldn't admit it. Except it couldn't be the real Chris, because Joel knew he wouldn't be lounging in Joel's bed wearing nothing but his stupid bandanna, and a sheet.

So Joel was probably dreaming, or having some kind of weird-ass vision quest experience or something else equally strange for the rest of the world, but typical for Cicely.

"Seriously, Joel. Have you ever thought maybe you weren't as straight as you always imagined yourself to be? That if you'd gone and married Elaine, you might still wake up one morning and wonder if you should have given in to your other urges, say during college, when you'd have had the excuse of drunkenness and experimentation?" Now Chris was stroking his own chest, fingers pinching a nipple. He was lightly hairy. Not too much, not too little. Comfortable. And why Joel suddenly had an opinion on what was a comfortable amount of hair on a man was a question equally puzzling to the whole experience.

"He's got a point, baby," Elaine said. She was in her mother's puffed-sleeve wedding dress, painting her nails. "I always thought you protested too much that time I suggested we have some fun with my strap-on."

"You have a strap-on? Cool. Way to rally against society's expected gender roles!" Chris high-fived the hand she hadn't started painting yet. Joel glared at him.

"Okay, first of all, Elaine? You're not supposed to be here. Remember you broke up with me and married that judge. So what you're doing in my clearly altered subconscious..."

"Funny place, the human mind." Chris fondled the dildo. It was a garish neon green, which surprised Joel even more because it was really not Elaine's color.

"And second, of course I had a negative reaction to your suggestion. You came at me after I'd had a really long day of classes, said "I want to fuck you up the ass", and expected me to take it like you were offering to bake me a pie."

"I did want you to take it. It might have loosened you up. You always were too wound up for your own good."

"She's got you there," Chris said. '"I swear I've never seen anyone so tense." He put the dildo down, and picked up the jar of massage oil that appeared on Joel's bedside table. It hadn't been there a moment ago. "Hey, do you want a backrub?"

"I am not tense! Anyway, wouldn't you be a little uptight if people were casting aspersions on your sexuality?"

"You really should listen to them, Fleischman. You aren't as straight as you think you are. I'd like to think you aren't as narrow, either, but from the way you're reacting here, I'm not so sure." Maggie said from the doorway where Elaine had just poofed away. "And you know, your crush on me is a little telling as well. My untraditional feminity is probably the closest thing to a man you'll allow yourself to desire. And who says 'aspersions'?" She brushed a hand through her short hair. "Anyway, I've got to run. There's a Mountie and his partner who have to get to Anchorage. As the Mountie put it, it seems their wolf ran afoul of a miscreant, and they need to get him to a vet." She followed Elaine's exit by fading away herself.

"Whatever, O'Connell." Joel waved her away. She didn't know what she was talking about, and even if she did, he wasn't going to give her the satisfaction.

But even in his hallucinations she wouldn't give him the last word. She reappeared a moment later and lifted the sheet that covered Chris's waist. It was tented pretty formidably now. "Seriously, Fleischman. If that's on offer, you should definitely partake."

"Are you convinced yet? Because you're going to wake up soon, and I'd rather we skip the whole freak-out thing when you figure out your dreams have you figured out, and we get to the part where you kiss me for real, and expand your world-view just a little bit more."

"You don't really have a strap-on, do you?" Joel asked. "Because I might be up for a little sex between friends, but I don't think I'll ever be that adventurous."

He woke up before Chris could answer, to the sounds of the voice of K-Bear reading from Leaves of Grass.