rareslash | Fic: The High Cost of Renting [ Shallow Grave - Alex/OMC

Title: The High Cost of Renting
Authors:

saxony
Fandom: Shallow Grave
Pairing: Alex Law/OMC
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I don't own Shallow Grave or Alex Law, yadayada, no profit, no harm intended. Colin is entirely my own creation.
Notes: Takes place after the film, but there are no spoilers. Picture Jude Law for Colin.
Summary: Alex is looking for a new flatmate.

Colin looks down at the advert in his hand and then squints up at the building. This is definitely the place, and a quick glance at his watch tells him he's on time. A few minutes early, even, which is a miracle.

He takes the steps two at a time and he's breathless when he reaches the right flat. Fuck, but that's a lot of stairs. Letting out a long breath, he raps sharply on the door, glancing about idly while he waits.

Alex is sprawled out comfortably on the sofa watching the telly when he hears the knock on the door. He isn't expecting anyone, so he ignores it and continues flipping through the channels. The knock sounds again, louder this time. Frowning, he tosses the remote on the coffee table and gets up. Not like there was anything on to suit him, anyway.

Yawning and stretching, he takes his time before he shuffles barefooted over to the door. As it's Saturday morning, he hasn't bothered to dress, merely pulled his dressing gown over his t-shirt and boxers when he'd rolled out of bed. He reaches for the knob just as the rapping renews, even louder than before.

He jerks the door open, surprising the person on the other side in mid-knock. "Impatient, aren't you? Did you ever think that someone might have a disability? That they might not be able to hasten to answer your knock fast enough to suit you? It's not very sensitive, nor very politically correct of you, now is it?"

"I...erm." Colin blinks and waves the newspaper clipping at the man in front of him. "I've come about the room? Are you Alex? I'm Colin; we spoke on the phone."

"Oh, yes." Alex nods and leans against the door jamb, cocking an eyebrow at the waving paper. "Colin, is it?" He looks him up and down, frowning thoughtfully. "Made a bit of a cock up of your first impression, haven't you? Pounding at doors, disregarding the handicapped, waving bits of paper in people's faces. Hoping to coast by on your looks, eh?"

Grinning suddenly, Alex grips Colin's hand and pumps it enthusiastically, crumpling the advert between their hands. "Don't hang about on the doorstep, then. As you've got me out of bed so early, you might as well come in."

"You did say nine on the phone," Colin says, suddenly unsure of himself. This is how it was on the phone as well, like talking to a whirlwind. Or a madman, he thinks, following Alex inside. "Yes, I'm quite sure you said nine. As early as possible, you said, as you were very busy and it would be rude of me to keep you waiting all day. Anyway, I don't think I was pounding."

Alex ignores all that, waving him over to the couch. "Have a seat. Just be a moment." He takes up a tablet and pen from the phone stand and starts writing, speaking in a low but audible tone. "Impatient, argumentative..." Alex stops, tapping the pen against his nose thoughtfully, then jots down something else. "English," he says in a slightly jaundiced tone. Tossing down the pad, he turns back to Colin with a wide smile.

"So..." Alex sits across from him and stares frankly at the other man.

"So," Colin echoes. This really seems to have gone quite pear-shaped and he's not quite sure how or why. The flat looks fantastic, though, what he can see of it. Even better than what he'd expected. Now that he has a chance to really look at Alex, Colin finds him to be quite better than expected as well. If only he'd keep his mouth shut. "Look, mate, I think we got off on the wrong foot. I'm really not impatient or argumentative, though I can't deny being English." He grins. "You won't hold that against me, will you?"

"Well, it can't be helped, I suppose." Alex grins cheekily. "Perhaps you've other qualities to make up for it. Can you speak French?"

"Erm...well, I did have French at school..." Suddenly Colin frowns. "What's that got to do with anything, anyway?"

"Just a bit of chit chat, Colin. Getting to know a bit about a potential flatmate, yeah?" Alex spreads his hands. "If you've a better idea of how to conduct this interview then be my guest. Take charge. Please. Enlighten me." Widening his eyes, he leans forward expectantly.

"No, I haven't... I'm sorry." Colin sighs, wondering if he should just leave now. It's fairly obvious anything he says will be the wrong answer. "Look, it just didn't seem relevant to me getting the flat or not. But I've never interviewed anyone, so I haven't any idea as to how it's done. But, I mean, basic CV sort of stuff... Colin Edwards, aged twenty-six, typical boring office job, but it pays the rent...or will, if you let me have the room." He grins. "Uh, didn't attend any schools anyone'd've ever heard of..."

"Yeah, I can see you've never interviewed anyone, Colin. It's quite obvious. Why would I want to know about what schools you've attended? I don't plan on asking you to do trigonometry, do I? It's all well and good to know you're a twenty-six-year old, buttoned-up office worker, or whatever, but as you say, what's that got to do with anything?"

Alex moves to sit beside him, placing his hand on his shoulder and speaking earnestly. "Look, Colin. I think you need to loosen up a bit. Take time to smell the roses and all that. I hardly know you, yet you've got me worried for you. Let's talk about things that matter. What do you do for fun? What are your goals? Your dreams? Your favorite sexual positions?"

"My favorite sexual positions?" Colin is about to ask if that's relevant, but they've already been through that, haven't they? He sighs. "Uh...on top..." That's vague enough. "I'd like to quit my job someday, maybe get a degree in something useless but interesting like art history, or write a novel... Not things that are likely to happen, but you did say dreams. And why am I the one answering all the questions? I mean, what do you like to do for fun?"

"Oh, the usual things; mock the socially inept, hang 'round the pubs and castigate the English. Oh, and squash. I quite like squash." Alex leans in confidingly. "For someone with control issues," he looks at Colin significantly, "I think it would really help work through some of that. It's quite therapeutic." Alex grins. "Of course, you'd not beat me. Nobody ever does. Well, unless I'm not trying."

"Control iss- never mind," Colin says, sighing. "Well, I've never played squash. A bit of tennis at school, but I'm not all that keen on sport. A bit of football now and again. If you're as good at squash as you are at mocking people, I'm sure I haven't a chance."

"Now don't say that, Colin! You might not be as brilliant as I am at sport and conversation, but you've got a lot of excellent qualities, I'm sure. You're quite good looking, for instance. So you see, we do have something in common." Alex pats Colin's knee. "Why don't we move onto the picture taking. I expect you're quite photogenic, and it might give a little boost to your self-confidence. Then after we can have the grand tour, yeah?"

"Picture taking?" This is getting more bizarre by the moment, and yet for all Colin half wants to throttle Alex already, there's something undeniably appealing about him, besides just his looks. Some sort of evolutionary survival type thing, must be. Otherwise someone'd have surely done him in by now.

Alex is already bounding up and lugging a tripod from the corner, placing it in front of the couch. "I have to keep straight the loads of applicants somehow, haven't I? Not to mention they're good for a few laughs on a rainy day, as well."

He sets the camera on top and peers through the view finder at Colin who seems to just be sitting there staring at him with a dumbfounded expression. His head pops up and he grins. "Come on, then. Show me what you've got." He winks. "Make love to the camera!"

Colin laughs. "My dick's not quite that long. You'll have to bring the camera closer."

Alex throws his head back, shouting with laughter. "Aye, there's hope for you yet, Colin." He fiddles with the timer, then dives for the couch, ending up sprawled across Colin's lap. "Say cheese!"

"Oi!" Just as the flash goes off, Colin smacks Alex smartly on the arse and says wanker instead of cheese, but he's laughing as he says it.

Alex yelps, still laughing madly. "Abuse! That's going to count against you, you know."

It's a pleasure being around someone who's got a bit of a sense of humor for a change. He'd almost resigned himself to continuing on alone given the lot of pathetic losers that had trooped through the flat recently. Granted they'd provided him with a few moments of amusement, but it wasn't such fun when it was just him. Having someone to share it with, someone who gets it, makes all the difference.

Alex happily wriggles around and pushes up, kneeling on the couch next to Colin. His wide smile belies the brisk, business-like tone he adopts. "Ready for the grand tour, then, Mr. Edwards?"

"Oh, you're actually going to deign to show me the rest of the flat now, eh?" Colin stands, stretches, looks around the sitting room a bit more. "I really do like the look of the place, I must say. Very spacious. It's really just you knocking about by yourself here?"

Now that Colin is standing, Alex stretches out, making himself comfortable. "It is nice, isn't it? And yes, it's just me. You'd have me all to yourself." He puts his hands behind his head and grins up at Colin. "This is the sofa, and that's the telly," he says with a nod in that direction.

"Yeah, I can see that," Colin says dryly. "And a very nice sofa and telly it is. You know, if you're too fagged out to show me around, I'd be more than happy to take a look myself." Leaning over the back of the couch, he grins down at Alex. "I may accidentally look through your cupboards and chests of drawers, but don't worry, I won't say a word about what I find."

"Eager to get your hands in my drawers, are you?" Alex asks cheekily. "You do know that it's just the room that comes with the rent, yeah?" He rolls off the couch and saunters toward the kitchen, calling back over his shoulder. "Coming?"

"We have quite a high opinion of ourselves, haven't we?" Colin trails behind him into the kitchen. "What makes you think I'd want you anyway?"

"Have we? I can't speak for you, but for my part I was only joking. I've no idea if you fancy me. Although..." Alex pauses thoughtfully. "You were awfully handsy on the sofa just now."

"You threw yourself across my lap!"

"And you just couldn't help yourself, eh? I understand." Alex opens the refrigerator, hiding his grin. "Can I get you a drink, Colin?"

"Sure." Colin peers over Alex, resisting the urge to smack his arse. I'd never hear the end of it, he thinks, and suddenly realises he's already acting as if he's going to be living here. Don't fucking get ahead of yourself. "What've you got, then?"

"Let's see. Milk, juice, beer. Oh, and ginseng shots! Excellent! I could do with an energy boost." He bends over to have a look in the back of the fridge. "I think that's all."

Tossing a grin over his shoulder, he notices Colin is standing rather close. "Anything you like?" He raises an eyebrow, his smile widening.

"Beer's fine," Colin says, sticking out his tongue. "Thanks."

Alex laughs and passes over a beer. "Shall we continue, then?" He slings an arm around Colin's shoulder. "This is the kitchen," he says, gesturing expansively. "Where you'd be cooking all my meals, yeah?" He leans in to whisper confidingly in Colin's ear. "Be careful how you answer. This is where a lot of applicants messed up."

"Well," Colin whispers back, "I could agree, but I'd be lying as I'm complete and utter shite at cooking anything that's not in the microwave, and even then...I could tell you some horror stories." He bites his lip, looking concerned. "Alternatively, I could say fuck off, wanker, what makes you think I'm cooking for you?"

He pulls away, faces Alex, puts his hands on Alex's shoulders, and tries desperately to keep a straight face. "So? Don't keep me in suspense, man. What's the right answer?"

"Ha! It was a trick question. I actually quite like to cook and I'm good, as well. Vegetarian. I think it provides an interesting counterpoint to my otherwise callous personality." Alex smiles angelically. "At any rate, it's all for the best as cleaning the bog would rightly fall to you. Only fair, after all."

Raising look eyebrow, Colin looks at him skeptically. "Only fair?"

"Give and take, Colin. It's the secret to a successful relationship." Alex steers Colin out of the kitchen. "Don't whinge about it. Let's go have a look see."

Colin rolls his eyes as Alex steers him towards the bathroom. This has got to be the most bizarre interview he's ever been on. Although now that he thinks on it, he never has interviewed for a flat before; it was more like just friends telling him they had an empty room and would he like to have it. But he imagines if he had been on an interview it wouldn't be anything like this. Surely.

Poking his head in, he tries to think of something to say. It's clean, at least, but not exactly inspiring. But then toilets rarely are. "Is there just the one? I hope you're not the type to hog it all morning when everyone else is trying to get ready for work."

"I'm not a girl. I look this good naturally," Alex says, smiling toothily. "And I don't think I'm the one likely to be primping for ages," he adds, eyeing Colin's deliberately mussed hair.

"Cursed with beauty and charm, eh?" Colin says seriously. "Must be hard being you. Men and women throwing themselves at your feet..." The corners of his lips twitch upwards.

"Exactly. It's a burden, but we've all got to make do with the hand we're dealt, yeah?" He smirks and motions for Colin to follow. "Come on, Colin. Get your finger out. Don't want to hang about the bog all day, do we?"

He stops in the hall to grab the yellow pad. "I'd better keep this with me," he decides, eyeing Colin speculatively and waving him on toward the bedrooms, making notes and chuckling a bit as he follows behind.

"So which room are you letting? Or do I get my choice?" Turning to Alex, Colin spots the notepad. "What're you writing, anyway?"

"Oh, this? Just a few notes to help me make my decision." Alex nonchalantly tucks the pad under his arm. "Don't worry, you'll have a few moments later to make a speech as to why I should choose you. And if I do, you can have your choice," Alex adds with a grin.

"A speech, eh?" Laughing, Colin looks around each room, but there's not really all that much to see. It's obvious which is Alex's: the only one that looks lived in. Colin wonders how long the others have been empty. "Well, I like it quite a lot," he says eventually. "I'm definitely interested. I s'pose you're going to be a wanker and really make me give a speech, aren't you?"

"Well, it's a big decision, wouldn't want to make the wrong choice, would I? And I'm doing it for you, really. Chance to redeem yourself, yeah?" The room is already Colin's, of course, has been since he saw him in the doorway almost, but there's no way Alex is telling him that yet. He's just too much fun to needle.

He leads him back to the sitting area and flops on the sofa, leaving Colin standing in the middle of the room. "Go on then, give me five good reasons why I should choose you," he says, crossing his arms over his chest and watching Colin expectantly.

"Shall I stand?" It's more pacing than standing still, really. Colin frowns and sets his beer bottle down. He's certain his actual reasons won't have any bearing on anything, but his presentation might. Should he go for serious or outrageous? He thinks the latter would probably appeal to Alex's sense of humour.

"Okay, five reasons. Let's see...I've never killed anyone. Surely that's a plus. You never know with people nowadays. Um..." Fuck, this is harder than I thought. "I'm not bad looking." Lame, Colin. Lame, lame, lame, fuck.

This would be easier if Alex weren't staring at him like that. "Oh, bugger...erm. I don't take up much space." That's worse than before, and Alex is still staring. Not doing anything, just looking. Like the sort of thing you might do to tease your little sister when you're ten. And now he's hmming and writing something down, and it's probably nothing, but it's not making Colin any less nervous.

"I'm really the prince of a small, but wealthy nation, sworn never to reveal my secret identity. Only I've just done. Bugger. And, right. One more. Um, I do sexual favours." Fuck.

Alex fights back a grin as Colin paces. It's rather endearing the way he's actually taking everything so seriously, and being such a sport about it, as well. He definitely has potential to Alex's way of thinking, but he's still taken by surprise when Colin makes his last point, and he laughs delightedly.

"Do you, then? Well, I must say that is a mark in your favour." Alex scribbles on the pad to emphasize his words, then looks encouragingly back at Colin. "Things are definitely looking up for you, Colin. Tell me more about these sexual favours."

"I was only joking." Waving his hand, Colin flops down into the chair opposite Alex. "I just couldn't think of anything else to say. As I'm sure you've figured out by now, I'm actually terribly boring."

"Hm. I suppose you're right." Alex nods thoughtfully, taking up the pen again and writing as he repeats Colin's words slowly, "Terribly boring." He looks up and smiles brightly. "Well, that's it, then. Thanks for popping in. Good luck with your search and all that."

"What, just like that? One minute it's looking up for me and the next it's good luck with my search?" Colin pushes himself up and is standing in front of the sofa in a couple steps. Planting one hand on either side of Alex's head, he leans in, glaring. "You want sexual favours, then?" A little closer and his lips are brushing Alex's, becoming more and more demanding.

Alex's eyes go wide. This isn't the reaction he was expecting, and he really should be coming up with a flippant remark about now, but Colin's mouth feels too good and his angry kiss goes straight to Alex's groin. When Colin pulls back slightly, still glaring, Alex just stares for a moment, open-mouthed. Trying to compose himself, he shifts uncomfortably and drops the pad in his lap to cover his thinly-clad erection.

"Uh..." He clears his throat. "...was just taking the piss," he says, attempting to sound amused, but his words come out rather breathless instead.

"I know," Colin breathes, not moving, "I just got tired of it."

"Oh." Alex stares at Colin's mouth for a moment before dragging his eyes back up. He manages a grin. "Well, I suppose the interview is over, then."

"Right," Colin says, straightening awkwardly. He runs his fingers through his hair, not looking at Alex. "So, uh...when can I move in?"

Alex pulls his robe together, and Colin's discomfort puts his smirk firmly back in place. "Getting a bit ahead of yourself, yeah? I've not actually said you'll be moving in, have I?" He teasingly throws Colin's earlier question back at him. "What makes you think I'd want you, anyway?"

It's amazing how fast one can go from wanting to shag someone to wanting to strangle them. Throwing his hands up in defeat, Colin flops down next to Alex on the sofa. "I give up."

"What a defeatist attitude! We can't have that." Alex twists around and leans in closer to whisper, "I'll let you in on a little secret. The room was yours about two minutes after you walked through the door."

Colin's jaw drops. "A fucking sadist, that's what you are," he laughs, punching Alex in the shoulder.

"Ow! Who's the sadist?" Alex rubs his shoulder and grins. "Anyway, don't you feel like you've earned it now? Anything worth having is worth a bit of a struggle."

"You didn't struggle much." Colin smirks.

"Don't get cocky," Alex says loftily. "Only you took me by surprise. Yeah... And I didn't want to hurt your feelings," he adds, returning the smirk.

"Oh, of course not. How very thoughtful of you." Reluctantly, Colin stands, and after a moment, says, "I really should be going, then..."

"Right." Alex hops up, throwing an arm around Colin's shoulders as he walks him to the door. "Move in any time you like," Alex says magnanimously. "Though you had better leave your number in case I need to ring before then to tell you I've changed my mind." He grins. "A better prospect may come along - someone who doesn't whinge about his share of the housework and all that. But don't worry, I'm almost seventy-five percent sure the room is yours."

"Well, I guess I'd better move in before anyone more likely comes along, eh?" Colin grins. "Give us that notepad, then, and I'll write down my number," he says, digging in his pocket for a biro.

"Hang on." Alex grabs the pad, flipping over a couple of pages before handing it to Colin. "So when do you think you'll want to move in, then?"

Scribbling down his name and number, Colin hands the pad back to Alex, stuffs the pen in his pocket and grins. "How about tomorrow?"