rareslash | FIC: RPS, Adam Baldwin/Chris Hansen

Title: Loose Lips
Author: Julia
Pairing: RPS, Adam Baldwin/Chris Hansen
Rating: PG-13 at the most
A/N: I have no justification for this. So, uh, enjoy!

What the hell? was Adam’s first thought. Nathan had told him, in a hurried phone call, to come to this house. Adam checked the paper on which he’d written the address.
Yeah, it’s right.
“Hey!” Adam suddenly heard. He looked to his right, where the call had come from. A girl who looked about 13 was standing in the driveway, waving at him. He had never seen this girl in his life.
That I can remember, at least.
“Um, hi?” Adam nervously responded.
“Come on in! I have cookies and lemonade!”
Okay, she’s offering me food. What does this mean?
I dunno.
Way to be helpful.
I try.
Adam decided to follow her inside. Maybe her parents were there, and maybe they had some vague idea of what the fuck was going on. Maybe.
The girl led him into a room, not really a kitchen, but Adam didn’t know what else to think of it as.
“Take a seat!” The girl chirped. Adam was afraid she’d hit him with a Care Bear Stare if he didn’t.
“I’ll be right back, I’m just gonna change.”
Adam nodded, not really knowing what else to do.
I have no idea what’s going on.
That makes two of us.
There isn’t more than one of us! I mean, me!
There’s no need to get hostile, Adam.
Yes, there is! I don’t know what’s happening and you are not helping!
At least you have your health.
This is not an appropriate time to say that!
Well, what do you want me to say?
Adam’s thoughts were cut off by a man in a suit he kind of recognized, but not really.
He’s cute! I like him!
You don’t even know who he is or why he’s here. He could be an axe murderer.
He’s still cute.
Okay, I concede he’s cute. But he could still be an axe murderer.
Well, better to be killed by a cute guy than some ugly-ass guy like Jeffrey Dahmer. I shudder at the thought of being violated post-mortem by him.
TMI, dude. TMI.
“Hello, Adam.”
“Hello? Uh, how do you know my name?”
“I know a lot about you. I have this transcript…”
Adam suddenly realized what was going on.
“There must be some mistake, I’m not a…”
“Pedophile? This says otherwise. You ask her all sorts of pedophile-type questions, most of which we can’t say on television.”
“We? Television? What the hell is going on?”
Suddenly, men with cameras came out of every orifice of the room.
Yeah, might not be a good time to use the word orifice right now.
Shut up!
“I’m Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC, and we’re doing a story on men who ask underage preteens for sex.”
That’s redundant!
Shut up!
“If you have anything to say, now’s the time.”
“I didn’t! I swear to God, I didn’t!”
“Then why are you here?”
Why am I here? Nathan told me to come.
Literally!
“I-I think I’ve been framed.” Adam managed to choke.
Chris kept that horribly patronizing look on his face.
“What makes you say that?”
“Nathan Fillion. He told me to come here, not some 13 year old girl I was in a chat room with! He framed me!”
“This transcript shows that you were told to come here by one of our undercover agents.”
“That wasn’t me!”
“You tell her your name is Adam Baldwin.”
“Anyone can say their name is Adam Baldwin, including Nathan Fillion! He framed me! You have to believe me!”
Chris nodded slowly.
“Please help me.” Adam said, his voice dropping a notch in volume.
“I’ll see what I can do.” Chris said, “You should probably leave.”
Adam nodded and slowly shuffled outside, only to be dropkicked by a swamp monster cop.
Weirdest day ever.
Adam suddenly saw Nathan, standing across the street.
“Why?!” Adam yelled as he was handcuffed by the police.
“For the lulz. The lulz.” Nathan replied, looking very satisfied as he strolled away.
“Is that not suspicious to you or anything?” Adam asked the cop leading him.
“Nope, not really.”
Terrific. Good licks, Hanson, good licks.
Two points for referencing under pressure.
Thank you.
Adam saw Chris leaving the house, talking to some fat guy wearing headphones.
“Chris!”
Chris looked over.
“Please believe me!”
Chris gave a nod of acknowledgment and returned to his conversation.
At least you have your health.
Yes, now is a better time to say that.
Thank you. Really sucks to be you, though.
Adam sighed.

-----------------

Chris couldn’t stop thinking about it. The desperation, the honest desperation, in that man’s voice was troubling him. Adam, or whatever his name was, didn’t strike Chris as a pedophile-type person. For one thing, he was too handsome and well-coiffed to be a pedophile.
Stereotypes are okay if they’re grounded in fact. Chris reminded himself.
There was the transcript. His name was in it and everything.
But it’s true, anyone could say their name was Adam Baldwin.
He looked too surprised. He obviously had no previous knowledge of what Chris was talking about.
Well, he is an actor. Right? Isn’t that what he is?
Come on, no one is that good an actor, especially if they’re not famous. Famous people never crack their acting under pressure. They are perfect, after all.
What was the screen name again?
Chris checked the transcript he had been reading over for hours.
captaintightpants. What the hell does that mean?
Maybe it’s code. Maybe he’s a spy for the Russians. Chris could be the next Joseph McCarthy! Only with, y’know, success.
These thoughts were getting more and more ridiculous. Chris had to do something about this, not just think.
You know what I’m gonna do? He decided, I’m gonna Myspace search the hell out of this Nathan Fillion person.

-----------------

“Do you know why you’re here?” The cop sitting across from Adam in the little white room asked.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I was framed as a pedophile by Nathan Fillion.”
The cop nodded and wrote something down.
“What are you writing?”
“It’s not important.”
“Yes, it is.”
The cop shot Adam a vehement glare.
“No, it’s not.” He said in a definitive tone. Adam decided to drop it. This guy had a gun, after all.
Come on, you can wrestle it from him and take him hostage and demand a helicopter and throw him from the sky as you’re on your way to Cuba and you can enter the marijuana transporting business!
Yes, what a flawless plan.
I know! Let’s do it!
Adam sighed.
A few hours later, Adam was sitting in a holding cell.
Alright. Eight by 10 feet.
Better than six by eight!
Always lookin’ on the bright side, ain’tcha?
Yup.
“Hey, you,” a gruff voice said. Adam glanced to his left, where the sound was coming from. A rather tubby guard was standing outside the bars.
“You have a visitor,”
Who the hell is visiting me?
“Um, okay.”
The guard slowly slung the door open and motioned to someone out of Adam’s sight. Chris Hansen came walking down the hall to the guard.
“45 minutes,” the guard said, closing the door once Chris was in the cell.
“I knew you’d believe me! I knew it!” Adam chirped, grinning from ear to ear.
“Calm the hell down, Adam. You’re not out of the woods yet.”
Literally!
Shut up!
Because you’re still in jail! Ain’t nothin’ but woods around ya!
Shut up!
“But you’re gonna help me?” Adam clarified.
“Yes. No. I don’t know.” Chris said, beginning to pace.
“What do you mean you don’t know? My life is on the line here!”
“Adam, with no priors, you’d get 6 months at the most.”
“But I would have to live with the blue dot! The blue dot, Chris! The blue dot.”
Chris rolled his eyes.
“Fine, we’ll try to clear your name. How much is your bail?”
“$200 or something like that.”
“I’ll post it. We have to get proof of your framing before your trial. When is it?”
“I dunno.”
“You don’t know the date of your own trial?”
“I’m sorry! I wasn’t paying attention!”
Chris rolled his eyes again.
“Whatever. We’ll just take this one step at a time.”
Adam nodded, attempting to stifle his smile.
“We are not telling anyone that I’m helping you out.” Chris said, “We are also staying the hell away from sci-fi conventions of any variety. And…”
Adam knew this wasn’t going to stop anytime soon, but he didn’t care. He’d listen to Chris all day long.
All day long, eh?
God, shut up.